


Dear Merlin, My Life Is A Mess. Sincerely, Arthur

by Caledonia



Series: Dear Merlin, [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Complete, Diary/Journal, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Vulnerable Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-25 08:40:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9811643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledonia/pseuds/Caledonia
Summary: IMAGE HEAVYA one-sided view of complicated relationships as told through Arthur's journal entries.Part One.---"You were studying hard so you probably didn't notice. Listening to your classical music. I don't think anything could have broken your concentration. Which is fine. I don't need you to see me, I just need you to be there.A lot of what happens between us is like that."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and am not making any monetary gains from this work.

  

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	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No images, just prose. The same content as Chapter 1.

Dear M,  
   You won't remember me because we only had class together for about two months over a year ago, and I doubt there's any room inside that genius brain of yours for anything as unimportant as I. It was Organic Chemistry. I quit before half term, but that was expected - after all, more than half the class would drop out or fail. I remember when the professor said that you sat up straighter in your chair, eyes wide, accepting the challenge like it was something personal.  
   I suppose for you it was.  
   And, yes, I already watched you then. Our first day of Uni, our first class and my eyes were trained on you like a hound on the scent. It hasn't changed since then. I can pick you out of a crowd of thousands even if I don't know you're there.  
   Anyway, I'm in therapy now and part of what the doctor said was I should write things down. I've never been a Dear Diary kind of guy, so this will have to do. Dear Merlin, my life is a fucking mess. Sincerely, Arthur.  
I don't know how that's going to help anyone, but I promised I would try. So here we go.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   I bet you didn't know you could only change your major three times. This is my last shot, so I hope I've chosen wisely. My father could come up with something to grease the wheels, but that's more complicated than I want it to be.  
   On the plus side, she and I share a major now, so she'll be able to help me with the classes if I struggle.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   I'm not stupid, it's not a question of intelligence. I don't want you thinking I'm an idiot. That's very important to me.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   Have you ever done something because you were supposed to and not because you wanted to?  
   I don't expect so. When I think of the word integrity I think of you.  
   My whole life is supposed to. I don't have any idea who I really am, only who people expect me to be.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   I play rugby now. I fucking hate rugby. But, like father, like son, eh?  
   Fuck.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   My pal Leon and I saw you out walking about twenty dogs by the market cross. Leon reckons you volunteer for the animal shelter.  
   I guess you don't know this about me, but I love animals. Always have.  
   I never even had a chance.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   She told me today that you've managed to get the helpline operational, finally. She's going to volunteer, of course, because she's like that. Good, you know?  
   How do you have time in your life for all the things you care about? It amazes me.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   It was me on the phone tonight. I only called in to hear your voice. Does that make me a bad person?  
   Everything I said is true.  
   I'm not in love with her. I'm gay but engaged to a woman. It is an arranged marriage. Yes those still happen these days.  
   I'm not in love with her.  
   I'm in love with someone else and it's killing me.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   You're VEGAN? Fuck, man. Seriously?  
   I don't think there's anything in my life that I care about that much and that breaks my fucking heart.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   I saw you today sitting under the maple tree, studying with your headphones on. She tells me you listen to classical music while you're studying to help your brain form new pathways around the information. I love that.  
   You saw me watching you. You smiled at me, or at one of my friends, or at nothing at all, probably.  
   Every sunrise the earth has ever seen was in that smile and it wasn't even aimed at me.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   She's friends with your roommate, Lance, that's how I know these things about you. I don't want you to think I'm stalking you or something. I respect your privacy.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   You're taking courses over the summer, too? Just one more way to make the rest of us feel inadequate?  
   I don't mean that, really. It just means I have to see you here over the summer, now, too. I was kind of looking forward to you not being here. A bit of peace, you know?  
   She's going home for the summer, so she won't be here, either. A bit of peace.  
   I don't mean that, really. I do love her, I'm just not in love with her. There is a difference. She's just about the nicest, most selfless girl I've ever known. But she's still a girl. I reckon if I were wired that way she'd be quite fanciable. I'm not wired that way. Though I can still appreciate how beautiful she is. Inside and out.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   She doesn't know, by the way. She doesn't know I'm gay. Well, I haven't told her. If she's guessed, I don't know.  
   I hate lying to her. It's another part of my life that's entirely fucked up. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve me. Nobody deserves me. Not like this.  
   -A

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Dear M,  
   I sat across the table from you in the library. I walked past about fifteen times first, deciding, but then I just sat down. It wasn't busy enough in the library for sharing tables to be a necessity. For you it was probably a non-event, but I measured out my life for twenty minutes to the sound of your steady breathing. It made me hyper-aware of everything in the universe and I smiled for the rest of the goddamned day.  
   You were studying hard so you probably didn't notice. Listening to your classical music. I don't think anything could have broken your concentration. Which is fine. I don't need you to see me, I just need you to be there. A lot of what happens between us is like that.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   You were walking past when we were playing football and Lance shouted you over. I was not eavesdropping, I was warming up nearby, and heard you say you've not played apart from in school and did anyone mind.  
   You played better than Lance and he's on the Uni squad for fuck's sake.  
   Is there anything you aren't immediately good at without even trying?  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   There's something about how thin you are that makes me burn like I'm on fucking fire. You're not thin enough that I want to make you a sandwich, but I can see every muscle moving under your skin.  
   It makes me want to put my mouth on you and feel it.  
      -A

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Dear M,  
   I've been assigned to you as a tutor. I'm not tutoring you, obviously. You're going to tutor me. Apparently it's usually an upperclassman, but you're so advanced in maths they figured you'd do.  
   I can't decide if I'm terrified, embarrassed, or elated. Probably all three.  
   Please don't believe what they've said about me.  
      -A

**Author's Note:**

> I've been considering this one for a while and I chose diary page images in the end because I wanted you to feel like you're eavesdropping, sort of. A sense of voyeurism similar to what Arthur himself feels. Love it? Hate it? Let me know. But be KIND. As always, thanks for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Dear Merlin, My life is a mess. Sincerely, Arthur](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15419658) by [Caledonia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledonia/pseuds/Caledonia)




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